Friday, April 3, 2009

i just had a miscarriage

i really feel like screaming those words at someone, instead i'm just writing it out. well, to be perfectly honest i can see myself really screaming it during the "good news minute" when literally every singe sunday at least one women in my ward announces her pregnancy, or the arrival of sister so-n-so's newborn. yes, i think i'll be ditching r.s. for at least the next month. and, while i am on the topic of wards i think i'll add that i have layed here in bed for the last hour crying over a lot of things, one of which being my very real ache for the sisters in my old ward. because amy is right. i need other women right now. i need hugs and condolences and someone else to feed my poor husband who has had to not only look after himself, but has had to wait on me hand and foot for the last two solid days, and many of the days before that too. he has been perfect through this whole thing, truly my knight in shining armor and my saving grace. he needs a break.

i started cramping almost exactly 24 hours ago. it was about 4:00 am, the pain woke me up, the blood was a lot heavier then it had been, and although it was hurting like hell, there was a strong sense of peace around me. i know there were angels in the room with me, i could feel them. particularly, i think i felt my grandma. for as horrible as the physical/ emotional pain was in that 4 o'clock hour -that moment has become sacred to me. call it an "embryo" or a "fetus" -to me it was my baby. the one i've -we've spent the last two years trying for. he (i'm convinced it was a boy) had a face, and little arms and legs, and he was mine. and i'm mourning the loss.

and heather -my friend heather, if you are reading this, please know that your post the other day has brought me so much peace and comfort. thank you for being so open about it all, thank you for being the sister who can so completely understand me right now. i think i'm hanging onto a little of your strength.

i'm tired. i'm going to try to go back to sleep. i love you all.