Tuesday, April 7, 2009

my thoughts on the question: why?

I know I already posted today, but I actually wrote my confessional on Sunday night? Or was in Monday morning? Can't remember -at the moment I seem to be living in something of a blur. I was actually thinking on this last night -and I've actually thought about it on a lot of nights, long before this last week of my life ever began. Then, this morning after reading an email, I decided I really should write my thoughts on the question: why?

I'm going to begin back in my high school days. I'm going to begin with a man named Vance. Vance was in my ward, and he was much, much older than me. In fact, he was so much older than me that if he hadn't been born with Downs, I never would have really noticed him at all. His favorite thing was to bear his testimony on Fast Sundays. He also had a favorite spot in the hallway where he would say hello and shake hands with every person who walked past. He brought a very special spirit to the ward. At some point in my years in this ward I was told that in Vance's patriarchal blessing he was told the exact reasons he was sent to earth in the body he came in. (I was told the specific reason too, but feel it's just to sacred to be publishing to the public. If you want to know, email me.) But, the main point is -it was by Divine design that he come to earth as he did. God does not make mistakes.

Vance was at church, Will was at school. I do not know what the medical terms might be for whatever it was that Will was born with, but that he was born with specific physical limitations was more than obvious. Will's favorite thing in the whole world I think was to listen to violin music. I believe that he had memorized the faces of every person who had ever carried a violin case on campus, and during lunch he would chase these people down and ask them to play for him. My best friend happened to be one of these people. I'm sad to say that more than once we would see him, and quickly change direction -only to have him, running at his full limped speed, chase us down. We were always very nice, and would visit with him for awhile. He was almost impossible to understand -his speech was slow, and came with a lot of spit and drool -which he would occasionally wipe away with his hand, which was curled and twisted in the same way you might find on a ninety year old with severe arthritis. Aside from these physical limitations, his eyes were always what got me. They were perfectly intelligent. I often thought about his mother, and what she must have felt for her son. I also thought about the day that I would meet up with Will in heaven, with his perfected body and how much I hoped there would be violins for him to play there. I remember feeling so strongly that he was meant to be the way he was. He taught me something about kindness, and about doing for others things they can't do for themselves. 

Also in high school I read the book, Embraced by the Light. In some ways, this book completely changed my way of thinking. If you haven't heard of it, it is written by a woman who had a near death experience. A lot of what she writes in this book, I have been taught and know to be part of the gospel I so fully believe in. The rest made sense to me, and felt good, and I take most of the book as truth. I really do.

I really, truly believe that our loving and perfect Heavenly Father has very real and very specific plans for our lives. Right down to the smallest little details, like the body we are given, the family we come to, the people we meet, and the jobs we have, when we marry, when we have children... and I also believe that before we were sent here, we were fully aware of these specific plans -and we chose them. We had the whole picture, and we signed off on it. Yes, Heavenly Father, I agree. I will do these things, and I will endure those. Truly. I believe that as we stood there with the angels in heaven, and with our Father and our Brother, we agreed. We knew his love and mercy and grace, and we had complete faith.

Some of us, like Vance had proved our faith sufficient while still in heaven, we came for a body and to teach others, as Will taught me. The rest of us are still on trial, if you will. We chose first, and now it is for us to live and to endure. Luckily, as Elder Holland reminded us -we do not have to walk it alone. Heaven leads and guides and holds us the whole way through. Men are that they might have joy. Joy is only understood when compared to sorrow. There is divine plan and purpose in all that surround us, in all that comes to us. I sincerely believe this. 

Hope you all have a fantastic Tuesday. By the way, this is my 200th post. Crazy, huh?

13 comments:

Krissa said...

Congrats on the 200th post!!!
And THANK YOU for sharing that....I really appreaciate it...
I am trying to remember if I have read that book...I will have to read it again. Thanks for sharing that. It is so true. There is a reason for EVERYTHING and we did agree before we came here.

You gave me goosebumps reading this post :)

Heather and Brad said...

Thank you for the beautiful message. It really hit home for me 'cause of my oldest daughter who has cerebral palsy, walks with a severe limp, has one useless hand, drools and is unable to speak. I have often thought that only the purest of spirits would agree to come to Earth with such an unselfish role of helping others.

susette said...

What an inspirational message. Thanks for sharing your beautiful words of comfort. Way to go on 200 posts!! And such a great post to boot!

Amy said...

This was a very interesting take considering all the people I've heard over the past 2 years voice their opinion that only selfish parents would want to bring a child into this world that they knew would suffer through life with birth defects, or development delays, or whatnot.

Congrats on the 200th post.

Jessica said...

My husband's cousin has downs and is the sweetest person in the world. I can't imagine her any other way. I think your right about everything happining for a reason.

Embrassed by the light- I loved that book, its been years though since I read it. but its true, does make you feel some kinda light in your soul after you read it.

Brittany said...

you inspire me heather. your such an amazing person! im lucky to have you as a sister-in-law! and i totally agree with you..and i needed to hear it :D

Jan the crazy lady said...

What a sweetheart you are. And you are so quick to hit the 200 mark. Impressive.

And everything is for a reason :)

Laurie said...

Elder Holland's talk is going to be one of those that people talk about for years and years to come. Precisely because the Atonement is such a personal thing for each of us. Through it, we can understand the things we're each individually asked to do.

A wonderful post. Here we are, trying to help you feel better, and you're the one uplifting the rest of us! :)

Kathy @ Real Mom, Real Life said...

This is beautiful. Thank you for posting this!

wendy said...

well, that is an amazing 200th post. Loved it. Makes me feel so small and ungrateful. I struggle sometimes with the "principle" of our having a specific meaning and purpose to our life and the LIFE we live. Got me thinking. thanks

Kimberly said...

Happy 200th post!
I love this...its so true, we have a specific purpose that God designated for us. We agreed and accepted what cards we are dealt and we were not only willing, but HAPPY to have those cards! I loved Elder Holland's talk too. I just love the passion and depth of emotion he speaks with. I also love that in his words, each of us has some twinge of hope, comfort, and friend.
Great post!

Tara said...

Heather....this is beautiful! another testimony of our Heavenly Father. how beautiful perfectly his plan is....

Heidi Ashworth said...

This is a beautiful post. Will had/has cerebral palsy which is brain damage that affects the muscles only. My son also has this--but thank goodness it is a milder form and he can walk around though he does trip once in a while. My son often wonders why he was born with these problems and it is so hard to get him to understand b/c he's young but also because he is developmentally delayed. He is totally smart and gets some things you would never expect anyone his age to understand--and other things he just doesn't get at all. I wish he had some girl like you in his life to make him feel special. :)