Thursday, November 12, 2009


As in especially this week.
I feel like I'm living my life
out of focus.

I begin to write
the stories that are constantly
dancing in my brain.
Just as real progress is getting made
I go to the library and then 
I find myself reading, and reading, and reading
while my stories collect dust.

I begin a photography business
I am booked every weekend for months.
I play around in photoshop trying to teach myself
and I don't get very far.
I switch states and my business falls flat on it's face.
I let it stay there because what's the use?

When I was a teacher I had a minimum
of 87 things on my to-do list 
-on a slow day-
And I'd get to most all of them.

Now I usually have about four.
And sometimes I don't even get to them all.
Because I'll say to myself.
I just don't feel like it.
I can do it tomorrow.
Because really, what's the difference
if the laundry gets folded today or tomorrow?
What's one more day?

I used to promise myself if I ever had free time,
what was free time anyway?
I'd do things like volunteer in children's hospitals,
and learn languages & take up hobbies, like painting.
I thought I could become "gourmet" in my cooking skills
or adopt a grandparent.

Mostly I wanted to be a mother.
I quit teaching so I could be a mother.
I also quit teaching because the stress was literally
killing me.

Maybe that's why I'm not a mother yet.
Maybe I'm just not ready.

My word for the year was prepare.
I have to say that I was doing pretty good at this,
until my miscarriage.
And from there it's almost like my grip on things
spun out of my control.

Now that it's November and I'm reviewing this year
I'm seeing that I have accomplished just about nothing.
I'm really tired of seeing nothing for my efforts.
A clean house only stays clean for a day, and sometimes not even that long.
And (mostly) that's all I do.

Clean house. Do the grocery shopping. Fold laundry.
There it is. My life.
Pretty pathetic, huh.

I have GOT the get myself together somehow.


Dione said...

I have 7 children and yet, I feel the same as you! By the way, I'm enjoying this book: At Home in Mitford. Have you read it?

val of the south said...

I don't even clean the house or fold the you've got that on me :)

You made new blogging friends...and that is a great accomplishment!

wendy said...

Oh Heather, I am sorry you are feeling so down.
I bet if you asked your family or friends closest to you they would be able to tell you the things you DID accomplish this year. YOU may not see anything for your efforts, but others have I am SURE.

I didn't know you were a teacher --that is a stressful job for sure!!

and this years not over yet
Free time is a crazy thing. Now that I am up on this ranch, and retired, I have all the free time in the world -----and yet feel like I too accomplish NOTHING. cause I always think, I'll do it tomorrow. I need to put a little more "focus" into my days.

Kristina P. said...

I think it's all about baby steps. You've had a lot of changes!

Erin said...

I am trying to think of things that won't sound stupid, but I'm coming up short. So know that I am thinking of you!

Laurie said...

You're doing better than I am with just having a clean house and going grocery shopping!!

Maybe you and I need to come up with a plan... Specific things to do on specific days... I'll think about it and let you know what I come up with!! Because I'm just sitting here wasting away the month.

Krissa said...

i agree with some of the comments already made...sometimes its about baby steps...and making a list, a plan, setting goals...
but do know you do more than you think you inspire us by posting on your blog here!

Kathy @ Real Mom, Real Life said...

Sometimes, all I can do is survive until the next moment. Sometimes. Hang in there, sweetie, it will get better. One little moment at a time.

Jessica said...

no a clean house should not be taken for granted, I do all the same things you do. You are preparing yourself for when you have that family you quit your job for.

PLUS WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!? you are a photographer. you take pictures of peoples children and weddings. you even have a blog dedicated to it. AND!! you are really good at it.

Kimberly said...

Heather...Somehow I think we all feel this way. Having 87 things to do every day (believe me I totally get that part) is not necessarily a measure of quality or success. Sometimes the most important successes are the ones that happen on a spur of the moment or because you got distracted from something else. Don't worry, you HAVE accomplished things. You just don't realize it for yourself.

Sam said...

Yay for finding each others blogs :) Thanks for looking for me. You know... I felt the same way, for a long time. I know that's not super comforting, but it does get better. I had to figure out what it meant to "endure well." For each person it's different. Keep praying and you'll figure it out. I think your pretty great... and if nothing else, you have helped me to become better. :)