Here's the thing. Infertility is something that unless you've been through it you can't completely understand. It's a feeling of being broken. It's a feeling of being not good enough. It's a month after month disappointment cycle -and it completely sucks.
Over the three year span of trying to conceive people had all kinds of advice and wisdom for me.
"You're just too stressed. You need to just relax."
"What does the doctor say?"
"Have you tried those ovulation sticks?"
"Why don't you just adopt?"
"Do you know how to track your cycle?"
"You should just plan a vacation."
"You're not relaxing enough."
"I heard if you drink a chocolate milk shake right after, it'll help."
"Have you tried standing on your head right after? I heard that works."
Seriously, it seems like everyone wants to "help" by throwing in their two cents on how their sister's best friend's cousin managed to get pregnant -or get a baby. These comments, while usually well meaning, are hurtful and rude. And yet, those comments are so much easier to handle than:
"How many kids do you have?" followed immediately by
"Don't you want children?"
It was like constantly be slapped across the face.
Anyhow: Here's my best advice to my friend who is wondering what she can do to "help."
1. Do not whine about pregnancy ills in front of her. Period. Chances are she'd donate a kidney if it'd mean getting to have a baby. (I said prayers of gratitude every single time I was gagging & vomiting during pregnancy. I promise.)
2. Realize that every single time she sees a pregnant woman, hears about a pregnancy, or receives a baby shower invitation or announcement, she cries a little on the inside. (Shortly after my miscarriage there were at least two baby showers that I just couldn't emotionally handle attending.)
All that said, every woman is a little different. Some want to talk about it, others don't. Some want to hear what worked for other people, others don't. And for me it always depended on what day I was on in my cycle. A lot of times tears were just under my surface and I'd have to excuse myself from rooms or conversations.
I'll never forget one Mother's Day (I used to skip church on Mother's Day) a friend of mine brought by one of my favorite treats with a note that simply said, "Just thinking of you today. I hope you enjoy these." -And it was perfect.
Finally, the best thing you can do for her is to pray for her.