Tuesday, March 20, 2012

*deep sigh*

Let's go back to high school for a second. Did you even have those days when you were wanting to go do something, and so you called a friend -but they were busy, so you called another friend, and they were busy, and you called every single friend you had -and they were ALL busy... and you pretty much laid on your bed and cried because you didn't have any friends, and you didn't have a life, and no one cared? 

That was me today.

I'd like to say that I have grown up some. I didn't lay on my bed a cry. I made dinner instead. Even though I have 5 quarts of pasta salad and half a dozen deviled eggs, cream-cheese cracker dip, and fruit salad in my fridge... you know things that were supposed to be eaten today. At my party. That one person came to. One of the 9 on the guest list.

It pretty much sums up my Colorado experience. I'm not gonna lie. I mean, the other 8 are friends of mine, and they all had very good reasons that they were unable to make it... but STILL. I should probably do something like Count My Blessings instead of wallowing in this sludge of self-pity today... but STILL. It kind of seems like maybe I'm not supposed to have a good girlfriend group here.

Days like this have me hurting bad for yesteryear... and my Arizona ward girls. The ones that we all read the same books together, and played Bunco together, and did workout videos at each others houses, and had random, last minute GNOs together. Bouffanting our hair, and laughing over Chipotle until 1AM...

It took a little while to find a similar kind of bond in Utah -but I found it... a group of girls that I felt close to... Who I love(d) and I knew loved me. Girls I could be silly and serious with... friends who will be my friends for the rest of my life.

And here... we've been here for a little over 2 years now, and I still haven't found it. The ward is very nice, don't get me wrong... And I have a friend here and a friend there that I really connect with... but these women already have friend groups that don't really need/ have a lot of time for new additions. So while I see these women fairly regularly, and I SO enjoy the time I get to have with them... Its still different. 

And please, PLEASE don't comment about how "you really have to be the one to put yourself out there." Because I. HAVE. PUT. MYSELF. OUT. THERE. Time and again. And again. And again. How do you think I even found 9 people here!? I'm a military wife. We know how to find and make friends... But there is a difference between a friend and a friend. You know?

Maybe this is part of growing up. Maybe I'm not supposed to get to "go out with the girls" more than once every three or four months. Maybe I've entered that time where my family needs/ deserves/ gets 99.9% of my attention. Maybe I need to just learn how to not need friends within so many miles of me...

Vent over.

13 comments:

Amy said...

Oh darling. I'm so sorry. This stuff sucks. Even when it's just how things happen, legitimate reasons why the fun just falls apart...
It sucks!!
Wish I could give you a hug. I know what it's like to feel like the outsider.

Megan Jones said...

So I'm usually the one who reads but doesn't comment. But your post really struck me tonight. We've never met, and probably won't, but I wanted to tell you, that if we were in the same ward, or even the same area, I would love to be your friend. I haven't been reading your blog for very long, and I don't know what it's like to be a military wife (thank you for your husband's service as well as your sacrifice), nor do I know what it's like to be a mom. But we are women, and we need each other, even if only for a short time.

You are not alone in your quest for friendship. Kudos to you for putting yourself out there-I'm way too introverted to even try. I hope you find comfort with someone. Or maybe a chick flick and a pint of Ben & Jerry's. But I do wish the best for you, because I've been in your shoes before and I'm in them now.

Aunt Merrilee said...

Well this is my third try to leave you a comment. Evidently blogspot or whoever does this doesn't want me to comment. I am sorry you had a bad day. Sorry you didn't have 9 friends come over. But maybe that one friend needed YOU today. And at least you had one. But look at it this way, you have 5 quarts of pasta salad, or wait a minute you can't eat that can you. Well if I was there I would help you out with that. I hope your day is better tomorrow. You are loved.

Momza said...

Well, now you and I have one more thing in common. I had a party like that in 2008...here in the Springs, even. It was my daughter's wedding reception that we held two days after Christmas--seven people showed up. Seven. I was heartsick afterwards. I figured it was the timing of it--many people were gone, many others had family in town, etc...whatever the reasons were, it still stunk on ice. My feelings were so hurt, you know? We had enough leftover cake to feed the entire mission!
Oh my gosh, we had sooooo much cake! lol It doesn't stop me from wanting to get together with women and make new friends or deepen relationships with those I already know--I have get togethers because IT MAKES ME HAPPY. period.
Speaking of which, let's get together. How's Thursday? p.s. I SO would've come to your party had I not been working today!

Jennie said...

I just moved to Utah alone and I have no friends here either. I hardly put myself out there enough to have a party where I had tons of friends, so I admire you for doing that for a small group of people! You are lovely! And I would have come had I moved to Colorado! :)

kemra said...

I love you & miss you!!!

If I had it my way, I'd jump on the next flight out to CO, surprise you on your doorstep with tulips & a babysitter. Then we would go get pedicures, eat gluten free pizza, & finish off the day with a viewing of Pride & Prejudice.

I could really use a GNO with you...too bad it's only a dream!

Ashy said...

I don't know if it'll help, but you're so not alone. I'm in the same boat. I've been married for about a year and a half, and I miss my friends from when I lived back in SD when I was single. I understand how it is to put yourself out there, and then seem like no matter how hard you try nothing happens. I understand the tearful prayers to Father.

I really, really wish I had advice, some powerful words or something. Perhaps just knowing that you're not alone in your feelings will help...

Rachel Sue said...

I would have totally come and eaten all your pasta salad and deviled eggs. They were so cute! Another instance in which apparation would come in handy. Stupid space time continuum.

P.S. Jennie, I live in UT and I will totally be your friend!

Kimberly said...

Isn't it just amazing how desperately we need other women in our life? There is nothing like a true and sweet friend to make life so much better. It can be so lonely without a good friend. I'm sorry you've felt this way. I completely get it though. It seems like each stage of life there is a different kind of challenge with friendships, but the I'm-supposed-to-be-an-adult-and-not-care stage has been pretty tough to live through. Good luck and know that I would happily eat your food and come to your party if it were possible! :) Hugs!

mama boss said...

I've never had a large group of friends, let alone girlfriends. And it doesn't help that I don't know how to meet people. (I meet people at church, which was fine in my last ward, because there were a ton of awesome ladies. But we moved to CO almost 10 months ago, and we're in a tiny little branch.) I've met a few women here, and we've had a couple GNOs, but it's still hard. We all live so far from each other, so it's hard to get together frequently.
I feel the same, like I'm just not supposed to have a group of good friends who I can hang out with regularly.
Anyway, sorry your party felt like a bust. It sounds like it would've been super fun, and all of those treats look tasty.

Emryn said...

Have you heard of MOPS? You should look it up and see if its in your area. That has help me a lot. Good Christian woman and 2 hours without your kids and an occasional Mom's night out once a month. www.mops.org I heard about it at a garage sale and went and tried it. I loved it! It really helped me get through those moments of needing women in Durango.

Cara said...

I don't know why I'm only reading this now but yeah...I totally understand this.

Okay I didn't throw a party and only have one guest at but seriously it wouldn't surprise me if I did. People here are very much in their own groups, too. I have one lovely friend and feel I can make more...but I'm not sure they are 'hang out' friends, more talk to at church friends :/. It's hard because I've NEVER struggled to find a great group of friends.

Here it's SO hard to break through the groups and to just...I dunno...make friends with these people. It's hard :/. I would find it hard to confide in them, too, and to me that's important in a friendship.

I hope things work out for you because it's hard to feel this way!

Cara said...

And it's funny that our real, true friends feel so hurt for us when these things happen. But it's because they know how awesome and fun we really are. These people are missing out on you, they honestly are and they don't even know it!

To me each new friend is an opportunity to have fun.