Tuesday, October 2, 2012

one emotional mess

If you missed my post yesterday, my grandma passed away yesterday morning. She was a remarkable woman and I loved her very much and I truly thought I was ready to see her go. I mean, the woman I knew had been fading for years. She was in pain. She was suffering. It was, in every way, time for her to go. I've even been praying for the Lord to release her from her misery. And then it happened and it was like I just could not turn off the waterworks yesterday. I'd remember little things and find myself laughing through the tears. Last night Hubby said how happy he was he'd gotten to know her the couple years before her mind slipped. He called her "one spunky woman." She was, too. I told him I was glad that while he was deployed I had the opportunity to spend so much time with her. I'll always be grateful for that time. 

She didn't want a funeral, which if I'd known that she would have heard some protest for me. I think funerals are good for closure. On Sunday, when I found out she was at the very end, I wanted to be there so badly. I stood in the shower and bawled my eyes out -its these times that living so far away from family really sucks. But, maybe it's good I wasn't there after all. My last memories of her include the two of us sitting on a bench in the backyard of her care home, watching the Little Pirate crawl in the grass, and admiring the brilliant June roses. It was an uncharacteristically cool and breezy day for the time of year -now I see it was a tender mercy, for my sake. 

It was, on the whole, an emotional day. Then I couldn't sleep last night for some reason, all night I tossed and turned and tried to still my mind -with no success. It was one of the rare nights that the L. Pirate actually slept all the way through -and I was wide awake. So frustrating! 

So here I am this morning. Tired. Drained. 

Yesterday my sweet friend Audrey showed up at my door with a jar of homemade pear butter. She, of course, had no idea the kind of day I was having, she was just there -a little ray of happiness at my door with a gift for me. Another tender mercy.

I think I'll find some Patsy Cline on Pandora today.
Grandma always did like her.


wendy said...

I am so glad you have many sweet memories of her. It is never easy to loose people we love. Even when we know they are old and in pain sometimes. We still want to hang on.
I ALSO found crying in the shower (when my son died) was the BEST PLACE to just sob your heart out and let the tears mingle with the water falling on you.
I still like to cry there.

Aunt Merrilee said...

Very well put. She was a great lady. Being away from home is hard I know how you must feel. I will be praying for comfort for all of your family. Love you and yours.

Jenny Lynn said...

It really is hard to live so far away from those dear to our hearts. I think the lord knew you needed an angle and sent your friend.

Kimberly said...

Living away from family can be so hard, especially for the big things. It is so good to remember the little things, especially since those really are the big things in the end. I'm sorry you are so tired, but Patsy Cline helps bring some sunshine! :) I hope you sleep tonight! I'm sending love and prayers for you and your family!

Amy said...

I understand about not sleeping. I didn't sleep well the night after my Grandma passed away too.
It's odd though. While I'm so sad she's gone and also shed many tears, I don't feel a terrible weight of grief. She's so happy where she is and free of her pain. What a relief that must be!

I hope that the Spirit is strong in your life and home right now to bring you the comfort you need. :)