Sunday, November 9, 2014

after a bit of introspection...

I think I might be mid-midlife crisis. It's been an amazing year for me. Maybe one of the best yet. BUT the other day while I was working on making my face presentable, I happened to notice a gray hair. Then another one. And all the sudden, weirdly, there was this fully, middle-aged woman staring back at me. I should have noticed it before, but I didn't. Not really. It's like when you look at pictures of your kids from a year ago and think, Wow? When did they get so big? It was the same thing, only: Wow? When did I get so old? How did this happen? When did this happen? It's a little on the depressing side.

I think between this, and all the other things that have happened this year ( Like having a baby, and finally having the courage to go with a pixie, and starting crossfit, etc.) I'm feeling a little shifted. I'm not the Heather that started this year. I feel like I'm totally different. More confident in myself, and less apologetic for my personality quirks. I feel more self-aware, with a take me or leave me kind of attitude.

And... at the same time I've had a couple little incidents recently that served as giant magnifying glasses and I've decided I need to live more authentically. For example, Facebook. All these years (what three or four of them now?) I've been showing up for people on Facebook, reading their statuses, commenting, and the like. I feel like I've invested my interest in their lives. I suppose this is a good thing in some ways, but then a couple things have happened and these moments were moments of clarity. I can't shake off the feeling of falseness. I guess I was just hoping for reciprocated friendships, but it's like the curtain has been pulled back and I've learned the Wizard of Oz isn't what he presented himself to be. And I won't continue to nurture false friendships. I have too many other things to do with my (limited) time.

At the same time... I want connection. I want an online community. I felt like blogging was exactly that, and now it isn't. Also I fully realize that my desire for an online community is also because I have every hope and intention of publishing a book (or two) in the next couple years and I know that publishers want to see a healthy, active presence in social media. It feels so self-serving and I'm at this crossroads trying to figure out how much of this desire for an online community is fueled by one and how much the other. Because isn't the second one false? And exactly what I'm trying to avoid? I want to live authentically. I want to be genuine and I don't want to have self-serving intentions when it comes to friendships. That isn't friendship. That's the man pretending to be the Wizard. Right?

So, I started this instagram thing, to fill the void of facebook. Which seems silly, but... there IS something inexplicably satisfying to me about scrolling through snapshots of other people's lives. Something about it makes me feel like we (women. mothers.) are all connected because we're all so much the same.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but it's nice to write these thoughts out.

I hope you have a fantastic week.


Laurie said...

They totally make sense!!! And I feel like I've had the same exact experience. I really only have one real-life friend (who's always busy), so I've been struggling with the same void. But you really can't tell what people are like just from a screen. It's what they CHOOSE to be like. So yeah, I'm right there with you.

I've finally reached that "I am who I am - take it or leave it" mentality, as well. It only took 32 years! ;)

jenny said...

Two things: you got a pixie!?? I want to see !! And I'm on instagram too... I want to follow you!