Thursday, April 9, 2009

its been a week

It's been a week.
My body is doing pretty good.
My heart is needing more time.

Wednesday was the first night out of the house in over a week.
I had all kinds of anxiety about going to my class.
I knew there were probably going to be questions along the lines of:
Where were you last week?
Why weren't you here?

I managed to get through the whole class with no questions.
It was truly a sigh of relief for me.
Then last night one of my students just had to 
ask the questions that hurt the very most:
Do you have babies?
Do you want babies?
Why don't you have babies?
I don't think she understood the word "miscarriage,"
but she for sure understood the tears that welled up
and my voice that was suddenly gone.

There are other questions that I've become annoyed with too.
The question: How soon can you start trying again?
Of course I've asked that question to myself. 
Of course I'll talk to my doctor about it too.
But the truth is, whatever that stretch of time is,
I don't know when emotionally I'll be read again.
It's not like I just sprained an ankle and have to sit on the sidelines.
Its not like I just fell off a horse.
This isn't an injury.
This isn't an accident.

I really, really, can't explain how much I truly
the women who have sent me emails,
with kind and comforting words that validate my pain.
Because the "I'm sorry to hear that, how soon can you try again?"
question makes me feel like I'm being dramatic,
or overly emotional and that it's not a big deal.
Because it is a big deal to me.

And I don't know if its silly or not,
but last weekend I was really wishing that
I had something to remember him by -just something small,
that I could hold and look at and have.
On Monday I got a package in the mail from 
one of my dearest friends,
and there in the box was a little stuffed lamb.
Exactly what I wanted.

Just like Wendy knocking on my door,
I'm counting that as a small miracle.

I hope you all have a
wonderful weekend
and a 
Happy Easter!


Kristina P. said...

Why would people ask you those questions? People are so insensitive sometimes.

Anonymous said...

Hey love, thanks for your last few posts, sorry I didn't see them sooner. I really appreciated the Infertility Etiquette article. I've been trying to get a hold of you. Please call me if you can. I love you miss Heather.

Amy said...

Happy Easter.

Mother Goose said...

I hope you have a happy easter too. My trials came packaged to me differently so I won't even try to imagine the pain and the loss that you are feeling. I don't know what to say without offending or sounding insincere so just know that I'm hear feeling for you as your write.

Jessica said...

I like the little stuffed lamb idea, thats a good friend! AND, super cute.

Shey said...

HUGS going your way. HUGHUGHUG!

Heidi Ashworth said...

There's something else that people don't take into consideration when asking those questions-hormones. Yours are probably having a bit of a hey-day and they can make the most optimistic person feel dreadful. You're a fighter though---I can tell.

wendy said...

It is unimaginable for those of us who have never gone through that to understand you emotions and pain. It would be shallow to think I'd even know the "right" things to say. All we can do is give your our love. take care and heal yourself

Monica said...

Sending hugs your way. Happy Easter!

Ashley said...

Ohhhh I am sending my love to you! I hope people don't continue to be insensitive, but I'm sure it happens way too much. I hope you can have a wonderful Easter! I love reading about your wonderful attitude during this challenging time in your life. Hang in there!

Jan the crazy lady said...

You sweet thing. I am sorry you had those questions Heather. You are such a strong person.

I am so glad that you have been given some peace and support from others. What a blessing.

May you have a blessed Easter and no that all that was done up to the point of His Rising, he did for you. He knows what you are going through. That is such powerful knowledge.

Take care.

Debi (Dubs2007) said...

oh love....

I told my daughters that the babies died inside me. That God wanted me and them to have this experience, and that its ok.. They handled it great - but every once in a while they talk about the "babies that died" and tell friends about them, then it hits me hard... it still hurts.

Usually they say you should wait 1 cycle before trying again, so your body has time to recover.

The hardest one for me was after 4 miscarraiges in a row I told my husband we were done. I was happy to adopt but I couldn't think about more babies. then I found out I was pregnant again. - I was sick to my stomach. I quit my church calling, quit my part-time at home job, I sat on my butt and put on weight and didn't dare move.

I couldn't believe how happy I was when I heard the baby cry. I just cried and cried and held my baby tight. weeks later I still couldn't believe the baby lived. - - I know it is hard - But you will hear those babies cry. If not in this life - in the next. And if you try - and miscarry again it is one more guaranteed in the millenium. We are here for experiences and this was by far the hardest one I ever experienced.

And it has GIVEN me more then I thought possible. I am a MUCH BETTER MOTHER because of the experience, I have SO MUCH empathy for others because of it. And when I am still and trusting the Holy Ghost I KNOW I will raise my sons. I believe so strongly all 5 were sons. They were the sons I couldn't have in this life. My angels to raise later.

with love,

Holloway Family said...

Heather, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I too have had a miscarriage recently, in February. I have had a total of four miscarriages in 22 years. I have learned since though that it isn't because of something I did or didn't do, it was because my Heavenly Father needed them more on the other side than I did. Does that always comfort me? No, I still have empty arms, and missed events with those four babies. But if I live righteously and do as my Father in Heaven asks of me I will be able to raise them later. I have three beautiful daughters that are here with me now that I need to concentrate on and raise in a Gospel centered home. I hope that the Lord finds me worthy to raise the other four. Good luck with your desires and may the Lord bless you.
Pam in Italy

Pink Ink said...

Sorry I didn't see this sooner, Heather. *Hugs*