Sunday, May 10, 2009

hope, on a day that is "difficult to escape."

First, I feel I would be remiss to post anything Mother's Day-ish 
and not mention the sweet and beautiful woman whom I call "Mom."
Her love and presence in my life has been unfailing,
and for that I am truly grateful.
(Also, you're welcome mom only posting a picture that I knew
you wouldn't mind having displayed in such a public place.)
(I love you.)

Now, onto the meat of the matter.

Mother's Day.
For a lot of us this day is a dreaded one.
The whole week actually.

As a mother of twelve told me last week,
"Bringing children into this world is the true height and glory of womanhood."
Trust me,
we who are yet childless through no fault of our own  feel this too.
At least I do. And I know my childless friends do too.

I yearn for this high and holy calling.
I yearn to be a mother.

Last Mother's Day is one I'm not likely to forget.
Emotionally, it was one of the more painful days of my life to this point.
I asked Hubby to take me home early from church,
by the time I got to the car I was basically in a hysterical sobbing fit.
It was a completely miserable day.
Isolation and longing -these weren't the only things I was feeling that day.
I was also a bit bitter, jealous, and loads of self-pity.

I made the decision then, that I would not be attending 
church on Mother's Day again until I was actually a mother.

All this coincided with my friend Laurie's Book of Mormon challenge.
Truly, the word of God has the power to "Heal the wounded soul."

Last July, through a series of events, I was led to an angel in the flesh.
In two short sessions with Jacque
 (a nutritionist/energy balancer/life coach/ other things)
I learned a LOT about myself, and what I needed to do to bring my
very out of balance body, back into balance.

Between honoring my body and nourishing my spirit
with scripture study and prayer,
I found peace.

This Mother's Day has been a completely different experience.
Even with the recent miscarriage,
today was a day of HOPE and of gratitude.

I did not attend church today.
Instead I watched one of the sessions of 
General Conference I missed last month.
One of the speakers quoted a scripture that I have come to love,

"And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God
he doth nourish them, and stengthen them, and provide
means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them..."

Hubby bought me these as a Mother's Day gift,
which I really appreciated. There is a mother in me.

And like this flower, which Hubby brought home from church for me,
I know that one day that I will have the
opportunity to fulfill the measure of my creation.

I felt further blessed today by the kindnesses of sweet friends,
like Megan and Lucy who stopped in because I wasn't at church, and
like Kate, who left these in my mailbox while we
were at another friend's house for dinner.

These are some flowers my SIL sent just after my miscarriage.
They were beautiful, and even after they died, I couldn't
bring myself to throw them away quite yet.

A day or two later, this lilly bloomed.
It was, to me, a symbol of hope.


Kristina P. said...

I am so aware how painful this day can be for so many women.

I've had to some of my own soul searching and really remember the postives in my mom, and not dwell so much on the negatives. It's hard sometimes!

I hope you can come to my bloggy lunch next month!

Heidi Ashworth said...

I have been thinking about my blog friends who aren't yet mothers and feeling bad that I used that word in the title of my post. I'm so sorry that this is such a hard day for you and so many others. I was married for four years before I had my first and it seemed more like ten. Hugs!

Laurie said...

I think this is a day to celebrate all woman, not just those who physically have children right now. It's for mothers at heart! Even if they're 18 or 80, married or single, have children or not. This is a day to celebrate the nurturing instincts that we naturally have as women.

So happy Mother's day!!

Jessica said...

=( I'm glad it was a day of hope... actually got me a little emotional to think of you sobbing in the car outside in the church parking lot.

On a possitive note... I got my baby!! I finally got to take him home after 2 weeks in the hospital.. ON mothers day!!... so ... today was a good day. I hope you found it as fufilling, cause I know your gonna be a mom... and I Know your going to be a great one.

And!! I love you so much.. I don't ever want you to be sad.. =)

Jan the crazy lady said...

What a heart felt post Heather. The whole realm of feelings was so sincere. You are an amazing person and I am glad that you ended up having a good day. So glad :)

Melanie W. said...

Heather, I'm glad you had special people around to help make Mother's Day special for you. I was thinking about you yesterday along with my other friends who don't have kids yet. It wasn't that long ago I was still in your same shoes. I still understand how hard Mother's Day can be, and it felt a little strange celebrating, knowing how other people were feeling. But I'm glad you were able to have a good day!

Pink Ink said...

What a powerful post. I am sorry that it was such a hard day. We all have our trials; know that you are not alone.

Hugs to you.


Erin said...

What a neat way to take care of yourself on Mother's Day! I love that idea. And yes, the lily was beautiful too.

Rebellious Roberts said...

i love your mom! and its fun to se old pictures like that! that what i remember everyone looking like! :) i love it!

charrette said...

I share your loathing of mother's day, and wrote about it last year in a post called "Mother of All Weeks" if you're interested. I think it's hereditary. My mom used to stay home on mother's day sometimes too.

So sorry about the recent miscarriage. That loss is so enormous. No one could understand if they haven't been through it.

I love the symbol of hope in the lily. And also that simply profound line, "There is a mother in me."

Dione said...

I've had the priviledge of getting to know a distant relative of my husband's. She posted this quote on her blog( I wanted to share it with you:

In a conference talk Sheri Dew said: "Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us." She also said: "For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led."

You seem like such a wonderful woman and I, too, have hope that you will become a mother soon!

wendy said...

That must be hard for you Heather. I am so sorry. I can't imagine what that would be like. sometimes certain holidays, celebrations, can drum up alot of saddness depending on one's experiences. Hallmnark doesn't make a card for them.
I am thinking of ya.

Amy said...

Heather - I thought of you for most of the day. That was beautiful. You have tremendous strength within. I know that your day will come and you will be an awesome Mother. Hang in there and never give up on your dream.