just exactly what i needed. (part one)

Something I have come to realize is that

the wear and tear on a heart that results from

infertility and miscarriage runs deep.

Pregnancy doesn't heal these.

When I lost my baby a year ago

the best thing that anyone did for me

was my friend Amy sent me the perfect little care package

and among other things was this little stuffed lamb.

She said it was for him.

I really can't tell you how many times I

hung onto this little guy and cried.

It was so comforting to have something to hold.

Something to have to remember.

Realizing how important that little lamb

was in my healing process,

I promised myself if I ever got pregnant again

the first thing I'd do was go buy another stuffed animal.

Just in case I needed it.

I didn't keep that promise to myself.

Part because I haven't felt up to shopping much,

and part because it seems like a lack of faith.

But,

the other day one of my favorite things happened.

I got a surprise in the mail.

My friend Jessica sent me a package!

And inside was this:

A soft, hand-knit, baby blue, baby blanket.

(and some tea for mamas-to-be)

And, as I unwrapped it,

and held it to me and felt it's softness

It felt like a much larger version

was wrapping itself around my shoulders

and for maybe the first time

since the day those two pink lines

confirmed what I suspected

I felt myself truly relax with it.

I even pulled my What to Expect book

off the shelf, and read that

my baby grew muscles this week.

Amazing what the love of a friend

and a little blue blanket can do.