Thursday, February 25, 2010

just exactly what i needed. (part one)

Something I have come to realize is that
the wear and tear on a heart that results from
infertility and miscarriage runs deep.
Pregnancy doesn't heal these.

When I lost my baby a year ago
the best thing that anyone did for me
was my friend Amy sent me the perfect little care package
and among other things was this little stuffed lamb.
She said it was for him.

I really can't tell you how many times I
hung onto this little guy and cried.
It was so comforting to have something to hold.
Something to have to remember.

Realizing how important that little lamb
was in my healing process,
I promised myself if I ever got pregnant again
the first thing I'd do was go buy another stuffed animal.
Just in case I needed it.

I didn't keep that promise to myself.
Part because I haven't felt up to shopping much,
and part because it seems like a lack of faith.

the other day one of my favorite things happened.
I got a surprise in the mail.

My friend Jessica sent me a package!
And inside was this:
A soft, hand-knit, baby blue, baby blanket.
(and some tea for mamas-to-be)

And, as I unwrapped it,
and held it to me and felt it's softness
It felt like a much larger version
was wrapping itself around my shoulders
and for maybe the first time
since the day those two pink lines
confirmed what I suspected
I felt myself truly relax with it.

I even pulled my What to Expect book
off the shelf, and read that
my baby grew muscles this week.

Amazing what the love of a friend
and a little blue blanket can do.


Jessica said...

Really I'm just so glad you liked it. =) I just really want you to know how excited and hopeful I am for this little spirit.

Jillene said...

What a sweet friend. You are and will continue to be in my prayers.

Rachel Sue said...

It's amazing that the spirit can touch others to know what we need. Amazing and wonderful.

I'm kind of curious about part 2. . .

Momza said...

Hugs to Jessica for her thoughtfulness.
Hope your days are brighter.

Heidi Ashworth said...

I didn't stop to think how hard it might be for you to truly believe that it could all turn out right this time. I'm so sorry for all that you are going through! However, new love *does* heal old wounds and tho your loss will never truly go away, the new baby will make the pain much, much easier to bear. I did have a miscarriage at three months between children 2 and 3 (so, not as hard as miscarrying with no children)but it has been the death of a normal life for my oldest that has been the hardest for me. When I found out my third would be another boy, I was upset. I didn't want to watch him be all the things Big Guy was not--didn't want to see him fulfill all those dreams parents have for their boys. It was HARD. But then about halfway through my pregnancy, we had a huge scare as to whether or not he was going to be severely retarded and then he was having serious complications that could have killed him if I went into labor and then he was in the intensive care nursery for the first three days of his life and then he got jaundice and couldn't go home when I did and then he was so premature (three weeks) and tiny that he had a hard time nursing and he almost died of malnutrition. Boy, I sure as heck didn't care about those other things after all of that. AND, having him fill those boy dreams we had for our first has been super healing and wonderful and awesome. It is kind of hard when you anticipate a new child taking over the place of an old one, but it just doesn't happen. It's just a whole new room of love in the mansion of your heart.

Momza said...

Love what Heidi has shared. It is so true. Our hearts are so so capable of expanding to fit more love in for whomever we choose to's amazing and healing.

Suzanne said...

What a lovely gift from a sweet friend! Kuddo's to her!

This was a very sweet post! I felt your heart in it! Sounds like things are stilling going well! You are doing great!

Have a lovely day! -Suzanne

Erin said...

Oh, that is very sweet. What a great friend too!

Amy said...

Nice Heather. I've been contemplating another infertility post but haven't quite wrapped my mind yet around what I'd like to say.

Thanks for sharing this.

Queen "B" said...

I'm so happy to of dropped in this morning to find you well and experiencing sweet friendship. I know that friendship is spiritually designed especially for joy and comfort. So glad you have that.
sending warm sunshine and hugs from Hawaii

Laura Ingalls Gunn said...

Every now and again, nine years and one successful pregnancy later I still sometimes think "He/She would have been in the 3rd grade, etc." But not so often because I do have my sweet boy.
Time does heal all.

Laurie said...

I did the same thing this time around - bought a stuffed animal right at the start... It creates an attachment, no matter what happens!