Thursday, January 21, 2010

how's this for a confession?

Normally this would have freaked me out.
I almost well, you know what, with this fellow.
(Which I'm thinking could have hurt.)
Anyhow,
I say normally because earlier that day something
else happened that freaked me out even more.

I really thought I was ready. I did.
And part of me is. I really, really wanted this.
But I am terrified.
And grateful.
Both. In the same exact second.

I've been trying to feel excited and happy,
I've visualized little newborn feet and hands.
I've thought of the little warm weight,
and what he/ she might possibly look like.

But that gets me thinking about a different baby.
The one that I would have had two months ago.

And the next thing I know I am gripped
with the fear that it's going to happen again.

I know it's in God's hands.
I know he loves me.
I know there is a purpose in all things.

But I'm having trouble remembering this
from minute to minute.
Let's just say that
"emotional basket-case"
might be the best way to describe me at the moment.

Someone please tell me this is normal.
Please?

Also, I haven't been to a doctor.
I'm not sure when I'm due.
But I'm guessing I'm about 3 weeks.
So I'm still very early.
And the odds of miscarriage are still very high.
Feel free to say a prayer for me.
I could use it.
I'm a mess.



40 comments:

Jillene said...

YAY!! Congratulations!! And yes--you are normal and the feelings that you are having are normal. You and your baby will be in my prayers.

Sam said...

OH MY GOSH!!!! YAY! You are totally normal. Totally and completely normal. Just keep praying. When I was pregnant with Julian I rented a fetal doppler. It's like $20 a month and I kept it from about 10 weeks to 32 weeks and yes, I listened every day, sometimes multiple times a day. It really really helped me to stay sane and know that he was doing ok. Good luck. I'll be praying for you :)

Suzanne said...

Heather!! Hooray!! This is AWESOME!!! The spider would have freaked me out for sure! I am praying for you and I am putting your name on the prayer role at the temple. Stay positive and take care of yourself! I am sending you all of my positive vibes and I hope you have a wonderful (puking) day! Hey, if you are puking, must means the baby is growing strong! Hang in there! -Suzanne

Dione said...

Best post of the day! Of the week! Make that the year! (including last year, too!)

I am so happy for you. Just relax and enjoy the moment. But if you can't, I can totally understand. Your feelings are oh, so normal!

Kristina P. said...

Oh, Heather, I started to tear up!! This is so amazing! I am so happy for you.

Erin said...

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!

I am so excited! And I'm saying a prayer right now.

Kyla said...

Congrats! I have been where you are, and the ENTIRE time I was pregnant with my daughter (and this one) I worry all day, every move I made, every time I felt sick, every time I felt anything I worry... the whole 9 months... it doesn't go away, just try to relax and enjoy as much as you can! But Heavenly Father knows what you are going through and if you give your fears and tears to Him, it will make it easier! Good luck!!

Camille and Luke said...

Oh my gosh! Congrats! That's so exciting! (Not the spider! Can't believe that didn't freak you out!)

wendy said...

I will say a prayer for you for sure. I can only imagine the thoughts going through your head right now --the mixture of joy and fear. You have every right to feel like a basket case.
God bless you!!!!! and I am so happy for you

angieinpink said...

Okay first: AHHHHHH!!!! So excited for you!

Secondly, your feelings are totally totally normal. And you said it: it's all in the Lord's hands. What happens happens & it'll be the exact right thing for you, 'cause God is perfect like that. (:

Third: Ohmigosh again! {Hugs}

Kara and Glen said...

YAY! Congrats! If you are worried about it happening again, call your doctor and see if they will see you early!!! Saying prayers for you and your family.

Rachel Sue said...

Crying for you. You are completely normal.

And I'm with Kara and Glen. Call your dr./midwife/whatever and ask them to see you early. I had a friend who took some supplements after she miscarried twice and she didn't have a single problem. I can't remember what they were called, but the dr. would know.

And of course I will be praying for you!

Sher said...

Congratulations!

And here's my unsolicited advice. I know it's hard not to think about it, but wish it away. It's not going to happen this time. You ARE going to have a happy healthy baby in 9 (or 8) months!
Send it out to the Universe, (and God) and it WILL happen!
I know that's cheesy, but I believe in the power of positive thinking!

I will pray for you!

Jessica said...

Congrats!I'm excited for you!!!

Molly Doe said...

Congratulations!
I will be praying for you. Trust that God's in His Heaven, and all's right with the world. (so much easier said than done, I know, but it helped me when I was freaking out about having 2).

Jenny said...

I am so happy for you. I know how worried you must be right now. Have some faith in Gods love for you right now. He will bless you. Your in my prayers.

Laurie said...

You've definitely been in my prayers for the past week!! And you'll continue to be! I haven't had a miscarriage, so I don't QUITE know how you're feeling, but any pregnancy is scary. Especially the first couple of months. But I know you'll be watched over and comforted and strengthened!

Melanie W. said...

Yay Yay Yay!!! That is so exciting!!! I think you have every reason to be freaked, but hopefully you can find times you're not too freaked. If you want to know your due date, there are several websites you can figure it by entering the date of your last menst. cycle. I hope all goes well for you!!! Hope you can get in to a dr. soon!

Krissa said...

CONGRATS!!!! I am so so excited and happy for you....I hope and pray all goes well...that is so so exciting!!!!!

kemra said...

Of course it's normal!!! I am praying for you - and according to my calculations, you are 5 weeks, and two days pregnant (you were 5 weeks on tuesday!).

I also had a dream about you and a beautiful newborn baby girl. She had red hair, and was so sweet!

Rebellious Roberts said...

Yay congrats!!!! first off its so normal and lets get real the fear never goes away! if its not a miscarriage its that something might be wrong with the baby and then they are here and you stress they might get hurt or something! but dont stress its in gods hands and GOD IS GOOD!! like the girls said just sit back and picture all the good thats about to come into your world :) im so happy for you guys!!!

Maranda Whittle said...

Oh wow, how exciting! Hope everything goes well.

Kazzy said...

I haven't been here forever (sorry) and I stopped by today!?!? Congrats to you!

Lisa said...

So excited for you! Take it easy and enjoy.

Yaya said...

Congratulations!!!

Kaylynn said...

I am so happy for you! I can't put into words the joy I feel. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God." I don't know anyone who love's God more. Congratulations!

Kristen said...

I don't know you, I jumped over from Erin's blog but I just wanted to tell you to take a deep breathe and things will work out. Congratulations by the way, I will cross my fingers for you and you must be ready or it wouldn't have happened. :)

Malinda said...

Congrats!! I know exactly what you are feeling. I had a miscarriage and a stillborn. So when I was finally prengnat and carried the baby all the way and he became my Rockwell. It was still not real to me until the last trimester. I understand the emotional basket case. Email me anytime you want to talk! Seriously!

Meganis said...

i guess the cat's out of the bag huh?? i am calling you tomorrow or sunday with some info i got from my mom i think you will find helpful... don't be too bored! Sorry i'm not there to watch reruns of luke and loralie... or has bones completely taken over?

Emma said...

Take care and try to enjoy, prayer done,

I say you are pretty normal, good luck and stay healthy!!

Joanne said...

Congratulations on such wonderful news! Wishing you all the best!

mother goose said...

HOORAY!!!! congrats. Take it nice and easy and sit back and enjoy every moment that this brings.

Kaci said...

Congrats!!

Elisa Simmons said...

CONGRATS!!!!! I had this crazy dream a few weeks ago that I got pregnant and we didn't want to keep the baby so I decided that we should give it to you - weird! It took me several hours after I woke up to figure out what was wrong with the scenario! So, I'd been thinking about you lately and am SO SO SO happy to hear that you're expecting a wee one. Megan announced it in RS today :) You'll be in my prayers.

James and Cari said...

YAY!!! I totally second the suggestion for a fetal doppler. Worth every penny. I listened to my babies heart beats probably once an hour. I was an emotional crazy person...that's one of the best parts of pregnancy! ha ha

Wendy-n-Jason said...

Congratulations! I couldn't be happier for you. I will keep you in my prayers for the next nine months!!!

Amy said...

Your in my prayers and in my daily thoughts. So completely normal. It is a crazy rush of emotions. You will take comfort in the gagging and sickness and when that subsides the movements.

Much Love!

Rae said...

I love you and am so happy for you. You'll be in my prayers as well.

Doran & Jody said...

Oh Heather! Great news!
Good luck to you and DO take it easy. I will be praying for you!

Jewel/Pink Ink said...

Heather!!! Congratulations. Will be rooting over here for your healthy pregnancy.

Ambivalence is perfectly normal! It's exciting and scary all at the same time. *happy dance*