Friday, October 11, 2013

my heart is with my cousin today.

This particular cousin is a few years younger than me, and she moved to Utah when we were both really little, and honestly the two of us don't have much of a relationship... But we are sisters in the gospel and womanhood and motherhood and we are family.

I'm not sure I even knew she was expecting her first baby until her mom posted to Facebook, that at 20 weeks the heartbeat was gone. That precious little life had departed. And I bawled. my. eyes. out. For her, for her husband, for her mom...

The past few days I've been thinking about her, and remembering my experience with miscarriage. I can remember it all so vividly. There were angels with me in the room when the pain began. I felt them there. Both sitting on the bed next to me, and standing nearby. I believe these women were my grandmothers gone before. The comfort they brought to me was profound and entirely necessary as I descended into my own, personal hell.

Then, after the physical pain had left, the emotional pain lingered. And complete strangers sent me the kindest of emails. One of my best friends happened to call me the afternoon of, and cried with me, and then sent me the sweetest care package, which included a little white lamb. One that was for the baby. The only gift anyone had given him/her. My SIL showed up and cleaned my house and brought me my favorite french fries. A friend sent flowers. A visiting teacher who knew nothing about the miscarriage showed up with flowers, saying, "I just thought you might like some flowers today." Another friend, one I didn't even know that well yet, knocked on the door. She said, "I just had a really strong impression I needed to stop by today." I invited her in, and she looked around and said, "I knew I was supposed to stop by. What's going on?" Then she brought me some raspberry tea to help the physical healing and a bunch of movies to help with emotional healing.

So, while I was coping with my loss and my grief, angels on both sides of the veil were surrounding me. The Lord has said, "I will not leave you comfortless." And He means it. It was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me so far in my life. And it certainly has left it's scars.

However, I also know, now more than I did before, that the Lord is mindful of us. And He sends the additional love and support and grace we need to carry us through the most difficult of times and through our darkest hours. He does not leave us comfortless. All flesh is in His hands, and His plan is perfect. -Not always easy. Not always fun. But perfect.

If you have some extra prayers today, I'm pretty sure my cousin and her husband could use them today. It's going to be a hard day for them.


Laurie said...

Prayers for your cousin. Thank you for letting us be a part of your life, even when it's hard!

Amy said...

This was a great post. I'm sorry we have to travel through sorrow. It sucks.

But, it does make the joy in the morning that much more sweet.
*prayers for your cousin.

Cynthia said...

Prayers sent up for your cousin! I have a friend that lost two babies late - went in for the gender ultrasound and found no heart beat - I cannot even imagine that kind of grief. My miscarriage was horrible but there was a part of me that knew from the beginning of that pregnancy that that baby was not meant to be part of our family at that time. Hugs for you too, I started following your blog when you found out you were pregnant with the pirate...I said prayers that this one would stick and I continue to have hope that another sweet spirit will join your family one day!

Whitney B. said...

Reading this just brought my heart. We tried for 3 years and finally got pregnant with our 2nd. I'm now 21w4d along. I had a previous miscarriage though after help from our fertility doctor. Nobody can understand that horrible pain unless they have been through it. It's horrible. I will pray for your cousin and their family. I hope she is ministered to by angels like you were.