Wednesday, May 4, 2011

my road to motherhood part 2

A full year passed, and there I was again, sitting in a pew -listening to talks about motherhood, while buckets of wilting pink carnations stood waiting to be handed out after the meeting.

Hubby and I sat alone. Without a baby, and without a pregnancy. His hand held mine tightly as he watched my emotions quietly erupt. With every word spoken, my heart broke a little more. Wanting something so desperately, and not being able to have it hurts. And, being the girl I am, I felt guilty for being so upset when, in the scheme of things, a year isn't that long. I had friends that had been facing this trial a lot longer than I had, why was I so weak?

As the closing song began I asked Hubby if we could just go. I couldn't take another second of sitting there, and I didn't want a pink carnation. The whole "We're all mothers" thing just made me angry and frustrated.

Shortly after that May we moved to Utah, Provo to be specific. We were welcomed into a ward with no less than 87 young expecting mothers, and 53 more who had infants in their arms. The first month we were there, I'm pretty sure we were greeted by all 140 couples -and then some- who, without fail, wanted to know if we had any children. For the record, I hate that question.

My visiting teacher stopped by one day, with her baby in it's carrier and her toddler at her knee. She sat on my couch and said, "Don't you want to have kids?" For as nice as this woman seemed, I smiled and explained our situation -and imagined myself ninja kicking her in the face. Violent, I know. That's what infertility struggles can do to a person.

Infertility is something that you really can't understand unless you've been there. Its painful. Its an endless spiral of faith & hope & prayer followed by disappointment, discouragement, depression. It jerks your emotions around and leaves them raw and bleeding. Its a feeling of being broken, not good enough, undeserving... It slaps you in the face every time you see a baby or a pregnant woman. It slaps you in the face every time another person in your family makes an announcement, or sends you a shower invite. It slaps you in the face every time some unknowing or insensitive person asks you a question like, "Don't you want kids?"


Jan said...

It took us 5 years to get pregnant, then 2 1/2 and then 10 yrs..

We were told we would never have children, so we are shocked we have 3.. I understand a little, but it still doesn't make the little aching tugs go away.

Love to you Heather

Melanie said...

Now that I have two children, my relationship with infertility has changed. I still remember the struggles, the feelings, the pain, but I still feel a connection to those who struggle with infertility. It's just really hard for thoe people to feel any connection to me, and I'm sad for that. I hope to always be sensitive to those struggling with infertility.
I'm happy you get to hold your baby on mother's day this year!

Rachel Sue said...

I love that you are putting this out there because it honestly shocks me how many people (women!) have little or no tact.

Aunt Merrilee said...

I really enjoy reading your blog entries. You write so well! These brought tears to my eyes for sadness and then joy. This year you have that precious little pirate so sit on your lap and cuddle with. He was certainly worth waiting for. Love you.