Thursday, May 3, 2012

my mother's daughter

One morning a girl who would later become my dad's step-sister had a fight with her mom. I'm sure it was the typical teenaged daughter rampage, one that is repeated in households across America on a daily basis. It ended, as I understand it, with "I hate you!" and the slamming of a door. That girl had no way of knowing as she huffed away to school that morning that her mom would be in a fatal car accident that day. She had no way of knowing those last words "I hate you" would echo in her life for years, dragging guilt and sorrow with them.

I had my own teenaged rampages growing up -as my mom well knows. Unfortunately. I always knew I loved her, and I think she knew that too? But there were plenty of times in those years that I could have had anyone fooled -even if I was careful to say "I love you" before I went anywhere just because I knew about the girl who fought with her mom one morning, and never got the chance to apologize.

These days, especially since becoming a parent, I find myself reviewing my behavior over my life, especially adolescence, and just cringing. I was not the daughter I should have been. And I'm still not the daughter I want to be.

But, I think there is hope for me yet. Because everyday I recognize a little more of my mother in me. And she is certainly a woman of graciousness and compassion and an unfailing, endless love and I'm pretty sure she's forgiven me already for being the brat I was. I'm pretty sure she forgave me instantly and on the spot, even when I was 14 (and 12 and 13 and 15 through, you know, 28 or so) and so sure I knew it all.

I am blessed to be my mother's daughter, and these days I love it when I discover a bit of her inside me. Like I said, it gives me some hope.

Love you mom.


Tracie said...

Wow, how sad for his step sister. I know that I wasn't an easy teen and like you am so grateful to be able to show my mom how much I appreciate all she does and did.

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Aunt Merrilee said...

I have always felt sorry for her because of that. Most of us have had similar things happen with our parents, our children,our spouses but it's nice to remember you never know what the day will bring.. You certainly had a great mom and you are a great mom.. I see it all the time. And as the pirate grows you will have many opportunities to forgive on the spot!! Love you.

Jennie said...

When I was a teenager, that straight up TERRIFIED me. My dad's parents were killed in a car accident when he was 13 and I just KNEW that my parents would be killed when I was 13 as well....obviously these things repeat themselves. I don't think I ever left the house telling my parents how much I hated them. I left super mad PLENTY of times, but I'd always feel terribly guilty because I just KNEW that that was the last time that I would see them. I' m 20 now and we're all still alive. Yay! :)

I am so sorry for your husband's step-sister. My dad's sister feels like she killed her parents for running late and making them late, so I'm sure they know how each other feel. Car accidents are terrible. :(

Laura said...

I don't get enough time to just sit and read your blog anymore, but every time I do I'm so happy I did. I am always uplifted! You are wonderful! Great post. :)

Holloway Family said...

My mother and I constantly butted heads from the time I was 14 until well into my thirties! We have since become great friends. We can freely admit that during those horrendous teen years we hated each other, and we both said things that were hurtful and hateful. We have apologized to each other over and over again. We have been able to put it in the past and we thank God every day that we have been able to "grow up" and become the friends that He wanted us to be. I am the only daughter and the oldest, so I have a great responsibility to my parents. I have three daughters of my own and we are all very good friends and share everything with each other! Now my two older girls, ages 23 and 22, live with my parents and they are great friends with their Grandma!

Cara said...

I really didn't get on with my mum as a child and teen. We had a shaky relationship that wasn't really great until I got her all to myself when my other siblings moved out. It's strange how we do become so like them - and enjoy that - and then strive to become like our mothers.