how's this for a confession?

Normally this would have freaked me out.

I almost well, you know what, with this fellow.

(Which I'm thinking could have hurt.)

Anyhow,

I say normally because earlier that day something

else happened that freaked me out even more.

I really thought I was ready. I did.

And part of me is. I really, really wanted this.

But I am terrified.

And grateful.

Both. In the same exact second.

I've been trying to feel excited and happy,

I've visualized little newborn feet and hands.

I've thought of the little warm weight,

and what he/ she might possibly look like.

But that gets me thinking about a different baby.

The one that I would have had two months ago.

And the next thing I know I am gripped

with the fear that it's going to happen again.

I know it's in God's hands.

I know he loves me.

I know there is a purpose in all things.

But I'm having trouble remembering this

from minute to minute.

Let's just say that

"emotional basket-case"

might be the best way to describe me at the moment.

Someone please tell me this is normal.

Please?

Also, I haven't been to a doctor.

I'm not sure when I'm due.

But I'm guessing I'm about 3 weeks.

So I'm still very early.

And the odds of miscarriage are still very high.

Feel free to say a prayer for me.

I could use it.

I'm a mess.